The Expectations That Shape Us

We like to think we see people clearly.

But more often than we realize, we see people through a lens that was handed to us—and then we treat them accordingly. Over time, they often become exactly what we expected.

This is the Pygmalion effect: people tend to rise—or fall—to the level of expectations placed on them. When someone is seen as capable, they’re given more trust, more opportunity, more patience. When they’re seen as incapable, they’re managed, limited, or overlooked.

Eventually, they start to live into the role they’ve been assigned.

Which is why expectations matter—not just in theory, but in the way we show up in our relationships.

The Love and Expectations Matrix

I teach my students a simple framework: a matrix of love and expectations.

Not because relationships are simple—but because patterns are.

At the lowest end is low love, low expectations.

This is neglect. There’s no warmth and no belief. You’re not deeply seen, and you’re not challenged. It’s isolating—and over time, it creates a lack of connection. You may find yourself anxious in relationships, searching for something that was never consistently there.

Then there’s low love, high expectations.

This is pressure without safety. Standards without support. It often feels authoritarian—like you are being controlled or constantly falling short. In this environment, you lose agency. You’re not choosing growth—you’re complying, performing, or trying to earn approval. This is where perfectionism often takes root.

On the other side is high love, low expectations.

This one feels good—but it quietly limits you.

You’re cared for, accepted, even celebrated—but not stretched. Over time, you lose truth. Not because anyone is lying to you, but because you’re not being invited to see what you’re actually capable of. Without expectations, love can unintentionally keep you small.

And then there is high love, high expectations.

This is the environment that changes people.

Here, you are supported and stretched. You are valued, and you are challenged. This is where connection, agency, and truth all coexist. Someone sees you clearly, believes in your capacity, and holds you to it.

This is where real confidence is built.

Where the Pygmalion Effect Lives

The Pygmalion effect lives inside this matrix.

Low expectations—whether paired with love or not—communicate: I don’t believe you can.

And people listen.

They internalize it. They adjust their effort, their identity, their sense of what’s possible.

But high expectations, especially when paired with love, communicate something different: I see more in you than you currently see in yourself.

That changes how people show up.

Not because expectations magically transform someone—but because they shape behavior. They influence how much responsibility is given, how mistakes are handled, and whether growth is assumed or doubted.

Over time, that becomes identity.

The Pattern Most People Miss

There are times and relationships for each type of person. (If you are in the military you are likely going to experience some low love, high expectations. And grandma's should think their grandchildren are perfect.) But recognizing how the different people in your life fall on this matrix may help you be informed as to what boundaries you need, and allow you to understand why you may feel various way when interacting with them.

Most people think they need more love or better circumstances.

But what they’re often missing is one of three things: connection, agency, or truth.

• Without connection, you feel alone—even around others

• Without agency, you feel trapped—even when you have options

• Without truth, you feel limited—even when you’re capable

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And these don’t develop randomly. They are shaped by the environments we live in—and the expectations placed on us.

The Shift That Matters

It’s easy to read this and think about other people.

But the most important place this shows up is in the relationship you have with yourself.

Because you are constantly setting expectations.

You are deciding:

• What you believe you’re capable of

• How much effort something is worth

• Whether discomfort means stop—or grow

If you relate to yourself with pressure but no compassion, you lose connection.

If you’re kind to yourself but never challenge yourself, you lose truth.

If you push yourself based on fear or approval, you lose agency.

But when you learn to hold all three—when you can stay connected to yourself, take ownership of your choices, and tell yourself the truth about what you’re capable of—you create something different.

You create security.

Not because someone else finally saw it in you.

But because you chose to see it—and expect it—from yourself.